The Most Important Thing About Love...

This poetic piece of advice does not come from a song, but I feel it was too good (and too rare) to pass up. Somehow, somewhere along our society developed the belief that love is a flitting, finicky butterfly that lands on the fortunate for but a moment, and then flies away again. We teach our children that every princess has a perfect prince out there somewhere that will swoop in someday to knock them off their feet and take away all of their troubles for the rest of their life. Our perception of love has made many of us remain as selfish, entitlement-demanding adolescents when it comes to relationships and intimacy.

Don't believe me? Observe the portrayal of love in most of our songs, books, and movies. We extremely disproportionately emphasize the infatuation stage, omit much of the adjustment and reconciliation stages, and pretty much completely fail to explain what keeps love going strong in relationships that thrive for decades. We idolize unstable, immature relationships focused solely on sexual attraction and emotional infatuation. Our real appreciation should go to those couples that take that initial emotional high (a drug-like euphoria that psychologists say lasts about only a year) and nurture it into the deep and abiding love that truly lasts a life time. Such a love not only sustains the couple in all their needs, but also the children that it creates.

The New York Times recently displayed all that is wrong with our society's view of love as they praised a couple that met and "fell in love" at their children's school and left their respective spouses to marry each other in the pursuit of "love." (There was no mention of marital problems with their original spouses.)  Fortunately, most of the Times' readers are more wise then the reporting journalist: most of the article's comments lambasted the couple and the newspaper for their actions.  Leaving your spouse and kids for another woman or man just because they make your heart twitter again is the epitome of selfishness.  Approximately one-half of marriages today end in divorce, and those who don't get married have a much worse chance of remaining in a steady relationship.  What do you think this sharp increase in broken homes has done to us?  To our children?

More than ever, we need to learn what love really is, and what it takes to sustain and grow it.

  Chaos Theory


"The Most Important Thing About Love," from Chaos Theory


Ever heard of chaos theory, Ed? It's a science, tries to determine underlying patterns in chaotic systems like weather, ocean currents, blood flow sort of things. But it turns out that are few things more chaotic than the beat of a human heart. Its beating up, slowing down. Pretty face, flirty stares. It's always changing on what's happening to ourselves out there. It's an erratic S.O.B. But underneath all of that bump-da-bump mess, there is in fact a pattern, the truth, and it's love. The most important thing about love is that we choose to give it, and we choose to receive it. Making it the least random act in the entire universe. It transcends blood, it transcends betrayal and all the dirt and makes us human.  If you can figure that out, the Jake Lee's in the world got nothing on you.

"The Reason" by Hoobastank

If you have ever tried to be really good, you quickly are brought to the realization that you are not perfect.  Despite your best efforts, you fall short of your ideal.  We all stumble and hurt the ones we love most from time to time.  And while it hurts a lot to be the one who gets hurt, sometimes it is even more painful to be the one who does the hurting.  It takes great strength of character to pull yourself up in these moments of moral failure and commit to do better next time.  It takes even greater dedication and faithfulness to make sure that you do.  But even the most messed-up person can change, and with God anything is possible.

For great changes to occur, there must always be a great reason.  That reason may be a new job, a valuable friendship, or a life-altering event.  It is often said that an addict must hit rock-bottom before they are willing to accept that they really have a problem and need help.  Whatever the motivation, if it is powerful enough it can provide the strength of resolve and momentum to propel an individual to a new set of actions, new beliefs, and even a new lifestyle.

"The Reason" by Hoobastank

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with every day
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

"The Hand Song" by Nickel Creek

I once heard someone say that people's perception of God are often created from their relationship with their parents.  As I think back on my own life, that seems to be true.  That certainly puts the importance of good parenting in perspective.  Parents quite literally act in place of God during those formative years of raising, nurturing and teaching their children.  Rather than getting angry at a child for a careless mistake they have made, instead wouldn't God choose to use that moment to teach the child and set their moral compass to point true north.

As the old adage goes, children certainly do learn what they live; and no matter how astray they may go in life, I believe they never forget those lessons they learn on their parents' knee.  There is no greater, more important job in this world than faithful mothers and fathers who teach their children of love and duty and sacrifice.  Those children grow up to be our great, principled leaders that strive to make this world a better place for everyone.  Those parents could never receive all of the thanks they deserve for their quiet, unobserved, daily efforts.

"The Hand Song" by Nickel Creek

The boy only wanted to give Mother something
And all of her roses had bloomed
Looking at her as he came rushing in with them
Knowing her roses were doomed
All she could see were some thorns buried deep
And the tears that he cried as she tended his wounds

And she knew it was love
It was one she could understand
He was showing his love
And that's how he hurt his hands

He still remembers that night as child
On his mother's knee
She held him close and she opened her bible
And quietly started to read
And seeing a picture of Jesus he cried out
"Momma, he's got some scars just like me."

And he knew it was love
It was one he could understand
He was showing his love
And that's how he hurt his hands

Now the boy's grown and moved out on his own
When Uncle Sam comes along
A foreign affair, but our young men were there
And luck had his number drawn
It wasn't that long till our hero was gone
He gave to a friend what he learned from the cross

But they knew it was love
It was one they could understand
He was showing his love
And that's how he hurt his hands

"Love Like Crazy" by Lee Brice

If you want to see what real love is, you only need go visit a couple that has been together for decades.  Long after the initial attraction has past, past all of the disagreements, hurt feelings and apologies, true love continues to sail through hoping for the best but ready to endure the worst.  True love is a decision that these couples made, again and again over the years, to be their spouse's best friend, to love them no matter what trials they come across.

It may seem crazy to some.  Humans are programed to look after themselves and to take an advantage over another when it comes along.  To truly love someone, you must open yourself up to be completely vulnerable to their actions.  But the rewards of such a intimate and trusting relationship have no other match in the world.

Choose your spouse very, very carefully, but once you have made your wise choice, abandon your own selfish desires and love them like crazy.  Work hard at cultivating your marriage and it will be there for a lifetime of happiness and fulfillment.

"Love Like Crazy" by Lee Brice

They called them crazy when they started out
Said seventeen's too young to know what loves about
They've been together fifty-eight years now
That’s crazy

He brought home sixty-seven bucks a week
He bought a little 2 bedroom house on Maple Street
Where she blessed him with six more mouths to feed
Yea that’s crazy

Just ask him how he did it; he'll say pull up a seat
It'll only take a minute, to tell you everything

Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I Love You
Go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common since
Never let your prayin' knees get lazy
And love like crazy

They called him crazy when he quit his job
Said them home computers, boy they'll never take off
He sold his one man shop to Microsoft
They paid like crazy

Just ask him how he made it
He'll tell you faith and sweat
And the heart of a faithful woman,
Who never let him forget

Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I Love You
Go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common since
Never let your prayin knees get lazy
And love like crazy

Always treat your woman like a lady
Never get to old to call her baby
Never let your prayin knees get lazy
And love like crazy

They called him crazy when they started out
They've been together fifty-eight years now

Aint that crazy?

"From God's Arms, To My Arms, To Yours" by Michael McLean

This last Sunday two ladies from a local pregnant teen counseling and adoption center spoke to us at church.  As they talked about the young teenage mothers who come into their office feeling alone and scared of the great decisions that they had to make shortly, my heart went out to them.  They told us that when an individual comes in with an unwanted pregnancy (or their parents, siblings, friends, etc.) they always sit them down and in a calm, caring manner discuss their options: 1) Marrying the father and raising the child together, 2) Raising the child as a single parent, 3) Adopting the child out to a family that wants them, or 4) Aborting the child.  Realizing that it is often impossible for the birth mother to get married or be a single mom, my wife and I agreed that we had great respect for the women who carried the baby to full term and then adopted them to a family.

As those ladies told us of the great heartache those pregnant girls initially have and the great peace they found in doing the right thing and adopting their baby, it reminded me of a song I had heard many years ago.  Songwriter Michael McLean was approached by a girl with an unwanted pregnancy about writing a song for her to give to the family she was adopting her child to.  From her journal entries, McLean wrote this unique song that has given hope and encouragement to many many girls in the same situation.  (Listen to his explanation here. )

"From God's Arms, To My Arms, To Yours" by Michael McLean

So many wrong decisions in my past, I'm not quite sure
If I can ever hope to trust my judgement anymore.
But lately I've been thinking,
'Cause it's all I've had to do.
And in my heart I feel that I
Should give this child to you.

And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before,
By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

If you choose to tell him,
If he wants to know,
How the one who gave him life
Could bear to let him go.
Just tell him there were sleepless nights,
I prayed and paced the floors,
And knew the only peace I'd find,
Was if this child was yours.

And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before,
By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

This may not be the answer,
For another girl like me.
But I'm not on a soapbox,
Saying how we all should be.
I'm just trusting in my feelings,
And I'm trusting God above,
And I'm trusting you can give this baby
Both his mothers' love.

And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before,
By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

Resources for Unwanted Pregnancies:

It's About Love
Pregnant? You Have Options
About Abortion

"Meet in the Middle" by Diamond Rio

Anyone who has been married for more than 6 months knows that there is no perfect marriage and certainly no perfect spouse.  No two independent human beings could come together seamlessly; there are always differences in opinions, ways of doing things, styles, etc. that though they be small, can build up major roadblocks between a couple.  To make matters worse, men and women are clearly wired differently: Men tend to approach things from a cold, logical perspective while women approach from a emotional, socially-sensitive perspective.  Sometimes when one party thinks they have approached a situation in a completely reasonable way, the other party finds their mate's actions very offensive.

Marriage and friendships do not involve a dissolution but rather a skillful blend and balance of personalities and wills.  Tolerance and compromise are the keys making it work.  When both parties focus on meeting their spouse halfway, rather than insisting on their own point of view, they come to find that they are much stronger together than they ever were apart.  My wife and I certainly have our moments, but my life changed very much for the good when we married; I am happier than I have ever been and I cannot imagine ever being separated from her.

"Meet in the Middle" by Diamond Rio

It was 700 fence posts
from your place to ours
Neither one of us was old enough to drive a car
sometimes it was rainin' and sometimes it would shine
we wore out that gravel road between your house and mine

I start walkin' your way you start walkin' mine
we meet in the middle 'neath that old Georgia pine
We gain a lot of ground 'cuz we both give a little
ain't no road to long when we meet in the middle

It's been 7 years tomorrow since we said our vows
under that old pine tree you oughta see it now
standin in the backyard remindin' me and you
that if we don't see eye to eye
there's something we can do

I start walkin' your way you start walkin' mine
we meet in the middle 'neath that old Georgia pine
We gain a lot of ground 'cuz we both give a little
ain't no road to long when we meet in the middle

Babe I love the way we work it out
That's what love is all about

"Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlisle

I've never had a daughter yet, but I'm pretty sure there is a special kind of love that only fathers and daughters can share. A father can be such an important influence in their little girl's life, teaching her what true manhood is and what to look for in their future husband. Then, as she comes of age, the father steps back as the "man" in his daughter's life for another worthy male to take his place for the rest of her life. With all that a father would do and sacrifice for his little girl, is there any other better example of true love?

"Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlisle

There's two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven, and she's Daddy's little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes
And I thank God for all of the joy in my life, oh but most of all...

For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
Walk beside the pony Daddy, it's my first ride
I know the cake looks funny Daddy, but I sure tried
Oh with all that I've done wrong, I must of done something right
To deserve a hug every morning, and butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet sixteen today
She's looking like her Mama, a little more everyday.
One part woman, the other part girl
To perfume and makeup, from ribbons and curls.
Trying her wings out in a great big world, but I remember...

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair.
You know how much I love you Daddy, but if you don't mind
I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time.
With all that I've done wrong, I must of done something right
To deserve her love every morning, and butterfly kisses at night.

All the precious time, oh, like the wind the years go by.
Precious butterfly, spread your wings and fly.

She'll change her name today, she'll make a promise, and I'll give her away.
Standing in the bridegroom just staring at her
She asks me what I'm thinking, and I said I'm not sure.
I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl, and she leaned over...

Gave me butterfly kisses with her Mama there
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair.
Walk me down the aisle Daddy, it's just about time.
Does my wedding gown look pretty Daddy? Daddy, don't cry.
Oh, with all that I've done wrong, I must of done something right.

To deserve her love every morning, and butterfly kisses,
I couldn't ask God for more, than this is what love is.
I know I gotta let her go, but I'll always remember...
Every hug in the morning, and butterfly kisses.